Monday, January 30, 2006

You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll spit in my eye

Recently when I was over at my parent’s house, they were watching “Grizzly Man.” I only caught a little bit of the film here and there, and jumped to many conclusions prematurely. For those of you who are not familiar with this documentary, it is about this eccentric white boy who lives with Grizzly bears in Alaska for over a year and ends up being killed by them. The Eskimos (like my usage of a non-PC term?) say the events transpired as they did because, “White man no respect bear territory, pays price (spits).”*

Anyway, back to my artless criticism. From the snippets I did see, this man had some major mental and emotional issues, which were even talked about by the people who knew him (so I am not making this bit up). Pompous psychologist mode kicked in, and I projected my own personal experiences onto this man’s character to explain why he was the way he was: He was gay and never dealt with it. After all, you can "catch the gay" by coming into close contact with 'the gays.' So be very afraid.

Hence the moral of the film was: Protect yourself from "catching the gay" or you will be eaten by Grizzly bears.

*Disclaimer: This is not an actual quote.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Fucking priceless

I received this sound byte through an email forward from MKD and LC that is highly applicable to an earlier post of mine (see Archives for November 7, 2005 post entitled, “These are a few of my favorite things…”)

[Cue classical music

Perhaps one of the most interesting words in the English language today is the word, “fuck.” Out of all of the English words that begin with the letter “F,” fuck is the only word that is referred to as the “F word.” It’s the one magical word. Just by its sound can describe pain, pleasure, hate, and love. Fuck, as most words in the English language, is derived from German the word, ‘frichen,’ which means ‘to strike.’ In English, fuck falls into many grammatical categories. As a transitive verb for instance, “John fucked Shirley.” As an intransitive verb, “Shirley fucks.” Its meaning’s not always sexual, it can be used as an adjective such as, “John’s doing all the fucking work.” As part of an adverb, “Shirley talks too fucking much.” As an adverb enhancing an adjective, “Shirley is fucking beautiful.” As a noun, “I don’t give a fuck.” As part of a word, “Absofuckinglutly,” or “Infuckingcredible.” And, as almost every word in a sentence, “Fuck the fucking fuckers.” ‘Cause you must realize there aren’t too many words with the versatility of fuck. As in these examples describing situation such as fraud…“I got fucked at the used car lot.” Dismay…“Aw, fuck it.” Trouble…“I guess I’m really fucked now.” Aggression…“Don’t fuck with me buddy.” Difficulty…“I don’t understand this fucking question.” Inquiry…“Who the fuck was that?” Dissatisfaction…“I don’t like what the fuck is going on here.” Incompetence…“He’s a fuck-off.” Dismissal…“Why don’t you go outside and play hide-and-go fuck yourself.” I’m sure you can think of many more examples. With all of these multipurpose applications, how can anyone be offended when you use the word? We say, use this unique, flexible word more often in your daily speech. It will identify the quality of your character immediately. Say it loudly and proudly, Fuck you!

End classical music]

Friday, January 20, 2006

I guess I am just chopped liver

There is a phenomenon I have been experiencing in my office, which makes me feel smaller than I already am. It is a lack of introduction from co-workers.

Picture this…a co-worker brings in a family member to see the office. Said co-worker introduces this family member to fellow employees as they make their way down the hall. They skip over my office in the line of introductions to their final destination.

Now this occurrence has happened more than once and with more than one co-worker. I know my office is generally not social, but there is such a thing as common courtesy. Am I really that invisible? Perhaps I am still unapproachable even though I thought I grew out of my teenage angst, “I’m too cool for you” persona. I maintain excellent hygiene and am not unkempt in appearance. So what gives? Is this one of those things in which I get left on the bus because I am too quiet?

Obviously these co-workers who smite me did not get the memo that I am the awesomest ever. Fuckheads.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Why do we do this???

I recently recalled the offensive term, “bruised banana.” In case you are not up on your racist slurs, a “bruised banana” is an Asian person who acts Black, identifies more with Black culture, or is “yellow on the outside and black in the inside.” I know it is horrible, and I neither promote nor condone its usage. I do not know who comes up with these sorts of things, but it is shit like this that makes us more cognizant of our differences rather than our similarities.

But these terms are out there, being used by some, and provoking all sorts of negativity. I tried to remember some other terms I have heard in my lifetime through various sources. I googled it to see if a site documented racial slurs, and sure enough, it is out there.

I compiled a sample list of terms relating to Asians (or “Orientals” as my Chinese-American boss would say) with the explanation in parentheses:
-Can’ardly (“They can’ardly see”; originated in Australia)
-FOB (“Fresh Off the Boat”)
-Jaundy Boy (Comes from Jaundice (Hepatitis), which turns your skin yellow)
-Nikon (Popular brand of camera. Asian tourists are known to take a lot of photos)
-Nine Iron (Golf club ostensibly resembling stereotypical Asian ‘slanted’ eyes)
-Nuprin (“Little, yellow, different”)
-Oreo (Bastardized form of ‘Oriental’)
-Pancake / Panhead (Facial characteristics)
-Ping-pang (Mimics the way their language sounds to non-Asians)
-SBH (Represents their Straight Black Hair)
-Slantey-eye’d / Slit / Squint / Squnity (Referring to the eyes)
-Table Face (They tend to have flat faces)
-Tape Head (Slanted eyes as if someone pulled back their eyes using Scotch tape)
-Twinkie (“Yellow on the outside, white on the inside”)
-Zipperhead (Coined by U.S. soldiers during Korean War because if Asians were shot in the head with high-powered weapons, their heads would split as if you unzipped them)
Although all are disturbing, I am particularly disgusted by the last one. Imaginably, wouldn't any person's head "split like a zipper" if you shot them in the head with a high-powered gun? I'd like to think so.

Friday, January 13, 2006

“We Don’t Need No Education”

Confession: I like the new Beyonce song, “Check On It.”

The song is damn catchy, but I made the mistake of looking up the lyrics because I could only extract a few words here and there.

The chorus is as follows:

“Ooh boy you looking like you like what you see
Won’t you come over and check up on it, I’m gonna let you work up on it
Ladies let him check up on it, watch it while he check up on it
Dip it, pop it, twork it, stop it, check on me tonight”

Now I am no linguist, but “twork” (other sites quote it as “twirk”) is a new word for me. I have been educated via Beyonce and shall use “twork” whenever possible in my daily life.

Twork out.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

There are no segues.

As sad as it is, I, like so many other “adults,” spend ~8 hours of my day at work, 5 days a week. Since this occupies 1/3 of my day, it leads to two things: (1) I have little time to be God’s gift to women and people in general, and (2) it highly influences what I blog about. So without further ado, I give you work foo (and a silly rhyme as an added bonus).

My office got a new iMac (20-inch 2 GHz Intel Core Duo, to be exact) that is pretty damn sweet. It is more for show as we only have one that will most likely occupy the entrance area. This means I will probably never use it, but my IT friend showed me all the cool features of this new toy. As a superfluous addition, there is a little remote that magnetically sticks to the right side of the computer. I did not know magnets and computers could mix until now. My only complaint about this computer and Apple products in general is the color of their electronics, which are predominantly white. When it comes to gadgets, I definitely prefer black or silver. I am prejudiced like that and will now don my hood.

There was a happy hour last night for a co-worker that is moving on to a better job. It always amazes me what people will say when slightly inebriated. I heard various stories relating to sex, stalkers, work gossip, and exes. Also, one co-worker called another one “fat,” and I was waiting for a bar fight to break out. I had my bottle ready, in hand, in giddy anticipation.

I have been internally berating myself for not being more motivated to “work” or be productive in some fashion for the past couple of weeks. I would blame it on the weather, but it has been freakishly sunny and warm in January. So instead, I blame it on the hamster that runs around in my head. Furry, ADHD, bastard.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Caution: Extremely Hot

Well, I have finally finished my 2006 list for MKD. As you already may know, MKD and I have come up with lists that contain 5 famous people that we are allowed to sleep with if the opportunity ever arises (highly doubtful). She cannot get upset in any way as this list is initially subjected to her veto power/final approval before being laminated. So here is my list submission as of today (in no particular order):

1. Guinevere Turner

I have held a slight obsession with her since I was 15 as she is the hottest lesbian in Hollywood (although Ellen DeGeneres’s girlfriend, Portia de Rossi, comes in a close second).

2. Tori Amos

She is the redheaded goddess. Nobody straddles a piano seat like her.

3. Elisabeth Shue

Ever since Leaving Las Vegas she has captivated me and I have watched that depressing movie more times than I can count.

4. Legolas

The hottest elf…ever. But I would settle for Orlando Bloom in Kingdom of Heaven as well.

5. Jennifer Garner

Alias is one hot show with one hot Sydney Bristow, and I am pissed it is ending. Boo.

[Note: this list idea originated from Friends (season 3, episode 5: “The One With Frank, Jr.” for those who are picky about details), and has quelled relationship stagnation concerning monogamy.]

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Work quickie

So the interview I was to have today fell through because they wanted to pay around what I am currently making and that is not going to fly with me. It is back to searching and applying.

But to counter this disappointing news, I obtained a VPN hookup from work and can turn my PC at home into my PC at work. When I “work from home” it will be like I am at work all dressed up sitting at my work desk, when really I will be at home in my pajamas cuddling with the cat and the dog. It’s a hard life, I know. The trick is to make friends in “high places” or in my case, the IT department. All the people in your formative years that were not popular and classified as “nerds,” “geeks,” or “dorks” have the power today. Be nice to them.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

The claws come out

I think enough time has passed that I can get this rant off my chest. If I had written about this earlier, it would have hurt people’s feelings and caused all sorts of drama I neither need nor want and started some sort of blog war or something. But now, I can be free and let go. So here goes…

Being in the blog world, there are certain unspoken rules of etiquette that one must follow in order to maintain successful relations. Overall, my blog experience has been positive with no major complaints up until a few months ago. There was a certain person’s blog I would read and comment on. This person did a “no-no” in my mind in which they (avoiding gender pronouns to maintain their anonymity) would reply to ALL of the comments they received EXCEPT for mine. I took this initial snubbing as a fluke and kept on commenting anyway. Well, after the fourth or fifth time of being disregarded, I knew it was personal. I was never crude nor were any of my comments unintelligible, so I at least deserved some acknowledgment out of respect and proper behavior. In the end, I chalked it up to the person thinking I was some sort of freak stalking them, and stopped commenting (I may or may not have taken them off my linkies too). In my angrier moments, I thought this person was a pretentious ass when I found out that someone I know has also been purposefully snubbed by them. We bonded over the contempt.

(claws retract)

I feel better.

(lights cigarette)

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Happy New Year to all!

I receive constant complaints from MKD that I do not blog frequently enough. So I reflected back on my blogging year and decided to do a wee analysis. I plotted out my blog posts per month for 2005:

March – 6 posts
April – 8 posts
May – 4 posts
June – 8 posts
July – 9 posts
August – 7 posts
September – 8 posts
October – 5 posts
November – 7 posts
December – 10 posts

Since I have been only blogging for 10 months, it results in an average of 7.2 posts a month. That really is not that much, and I realize there is a lot of validity in MKD’s complaints. Therefore New Year’s resolution for 2006: blog more.

Note: wee analysis was complete with graphs and presentation, but decided against subjecting dear readers to the nerdy/dorky/geeky -ness.
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