Completely numb

It seems I have a lot of “bad news” to post about lately. But that’s life…shit happens or you die.

My grandmother on my mom’s side passed away late last night. I am glad she is no longer suffering and went peacefully in her sleep.

So that makes three deaths this year in about a month and a half. It is tough to deal, but I am trying to focus on the positives.

The black cloud lingers

My grandfather (father’s side) died early this morning. He had been staying in the hospital for about a week with pneumonia. A lot of family out in Hawaii were able to be with him around the clock, like my father who got out there at the beginning of the week. I am glad he was surrounded by a lot of people that love him and that he had a living will and did not suffer too much. He was 99 years old and would have been 100 in August.

As for my grandmother (mother’s side), she had a stroke and is now residing in a hospice for her final days.

2006 has been a rough year for me already. The only word I can use to describe it would be “chaotic.”

All good things must come to an end

My beloved graphic novel is coming to an end on May 2007 with the release of the final issue. SIP was introduced to me in college, and I have stuck with it ever since. I will miss it immensely and there will be a gaping hole in its absence.

My favorite cover.

Happy, happy, joy, joy

Happy ONE Year Blog Anniversary to me!…and a day. I was a wee late in posting this. Story of my life, really.

Time for reflections.

Let’s see. I wrote a lot of dorky stuff, met a lot of really good people, and overall have had a wonderful experience (with the exception of one blogger). So yay for me!

As for Year TWO…who knows? I know MKD is pushing for the digital camera. Only naughty bits can arise from that point forth. That and an overload of cuteness from the pets (dog, cat, gimpy gecko). I don’t think I have mentioned our Leopard Gecko before. He (might be a “she”) can only be described as “gimpy” because he cannot walk properly or catch his food. He and MKD are the “special” members of the family.

Special in different ways that is.

For everyone but MKD’s eyes ONLY: (had to add that last bit so I am not sleeping on the couch tonight).

Identity Trial

Being a lesbian often gets dichotomized as either 'femme' or 'butch.' I have never adopted this categorization, as I believe in a continuum of queerness in which I mostly fall in the middle with a slight lean to the ‘butch’ side. I often describe myself as “semi-butch” since I do not wear make-up, subscribe to the latest fashions, wear girly clothes/colors, or spend more than 15 dollars on a haircut. To reaffirm my beliefs, the Gay test simply said I am “quite open-minded between the sheets and just a little bit butch when out on the streets!” Perfect.

Recently, my “semi-butch” status has been questioned, as I have been accused of appearing more “femme.” I can see how this would happen as I do not look stereotypically gay, and get hit on by guys all the time. To put it simply, I pass very well.

So how do I gay it up more so my insides match my outsides?

Cut my hair?
Been there, done that and it looks horrible. Middle school would have been so much easier had I not looked like a boy. I know there are new hairstyles and products to make short hair look good, but I do not have the time or patience to deal with styling it every morning. So that option is out.

Wear masculine clothes?
I already sort of do that. I have been known to get a few items from the boy’s department here and there (men’s clothes are way too big), and generally wear pants and button-down shirts to work. To sum it up, I can count on one hand the times I have worn a dress/skirt.

Walk like I have a huge cock between my legs?
I would do that except years of working retail when I was in school has conditioned me to have the “retail walk.” For those of you who are not familiar with the term, the “retail walk” is when you walk really fast in a determined manner to avoid anyone bothering you. In short, no strutting for me.

So here I am left to defend my “semi-butch” lesbian status with only my wits to protect me against those in the gay community and with the men who think I am just blowing them off harshly. But I sleep easily at nights with the mentality, “It’s not me, it’s them,” and bad 80s big hair band lyrics:

“Here I go again on my own
Goin' down the only road I've ever known.
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone”

A distraction

As you may already know, I like Jennifer Garner ever since I got into Alias, and I have liked Kevin Smith since Chasing Amy. Never in my strange world would I have thought the two would be featured in the same film! I should have known that Hollywood always finds a way.

Although Catch and Release looks to be a pretty good movie, I do not foresee it being nominated for ‘Best Picture’ in any film awards show. But this is not going to deter me from seeing it. In fact, I cannot wait for it to be released in 2007. Two different worlds in my head will collide.

Holy SHITstorm, Batman!

I apologize for not being readily present in blog world and life in general, but since I last posted, my life has been pretty hectic with shit flying all over the place. I just love how it all gets dumped on you in consecutive blows.

The night I found out that Paul died, I got into an accident. Someone rear-ended me in MKD’s car as I was going to pick her up. It all worked itself out later that week, and I now regret cussing the guy out at the time. But damn, I had enough that day.

The funeral last Friday was hard, but I managed to find strength I did not know I had. I saw a lot of people I never thought I would see again, and that was quite surreal. But what really made me upset was that some of Paul’s friends showed up in inappropriate attire and flying high as a kite. I guess they could not handle going to the funeral for someone who died from drugs, without being fucked up. Life of an addict, I guess.

Then this morning, I got a call at 7 a.m., which is never a good sign since everyone who knows me knows that I am not conscious before 11 a.m. and not to disturb me. It was my mom calling, informing me that her mom (my grandmother) went into the hospital and has to have surgery. I would not be so worried except my grandmother is 92 years old, has Alzheimer’s and 24-hour care, and has been recently sick and refusing to eat or walk around. So my mom took an emergency flight out to Hawaii. I was going to drive her to the airport, but there was a huge accident blocking a major highway and causing delays all over the place. So I got my mom to the metro instead. My dad, middle sister, and her family are out in Hawaii now, so there are all sorts of communications flying from there to here making sure everyone is kept in the loop. When I talked to my sister, she said that grandma had a look in her eye that she was ready to die. So it is good that my mom is on her way out there. It is really difficult having extended family living so far away.

So now I am playing the waiting game, and serving as a phone hub operator by relaying information back and forth to family here and out there. I am also in charge of making any medical decisions if the hospital needs to get a hold of my mom and she is on the plane. Let’s hope I will not have to exercise that privilege.