Monday, August 29, 2005

When generic goes bad

I usually buy generic when at the grocery store. This stems from when MKD and I first moved in together years ago and lived off of one entry-level salary. We had to eat and had to find ways to make our grocery bill as small as possible. So we bought generic. When buying generic, it costs half less than brand names and tastes reasonably close. In fact, I sometimes prefer generic items to the brand names. I like to think it is because the generic one tastes better, but it could be because I have grown so accustomed to eating the generic.

Even though MKD and I are currently better off financially and DINKs (Double Income No Kids), we have set a goal to purchase a place together at the end of 2006. So we are now back to saving and scrounging and living as minimally as possible. Hence, we are buying generic.

So naturally, when in the grocery store last, I reached for the generic microwave pizza for my lunches at work instead of the usual Mama Celeste. I thought I would give it a shot since it was only one dollar and rationalized that screwing up pizza would be hard. I learned today that there are some things worth shelling out the extra money for.

First off, the pizza did not come with a crisping plate of any kind. I was skeptical. So I nuked the bastard anyway and was optimistic when pleasing odors seeped into the kitchen. When I pulled the pizza out, it looked “normal” enough (as normal as microwave pizzas can look) and I took it into my office to enjoy my lunch.

To my discomfort, I had a hard time pulling the pizza away and off of the paper plate, which had fused during the nuking process. After suffering a few third degree burns, I took my first bite. It was not the most pleasant occurrence since I could not even penetrate the deceivingly paper-thin, rock-hard crust. Although disconcerting, I was determined to eat my lunch, and cut (more like sawed) the crap in half to expose the softer center of my meal. Finally, I took a bite and swallowed. The thought process proceeded as follows…“Not bad…crust tastes like matzo…cheese and sauce are okay…but why is there wetness on the bottom?…some sort of sliminess…”

I flipped the fucker over to discover moist, booger-like dark globules splattering the bottom on the crust. They were raised and misshapen and highly disturbing. I understand that they resulted from the cooking process and were essentially “harmless.” But I was too grossed out to eat my lunch and had to be wasteful and toss it due to loss of appetite.

So I apologize MKD, for shelling out money for lunch today. But I have always lived by the philosophy, “Better to be safe than sorry.”

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Look closely…

Do you see it? I saw it the second I glanced at the new “buffalo nickel.” Yup, that is its dong! (AKA member, schlong, little buddy, magic stick, penis, [insert various euphemism for male genitalia], etc.) It just juts out into the open space and is practically centered so you cannot miss it. I am sure even a blind person could feel the coin and know what it is.

Now that we established that it is there and what it is, we can ask the important questions:
Is it anatomically correct? Is it positioned properly? Perhaps…but more importantly, why is it there? Does it reflect something in American culture? Is it really necessary or could it have been omitted? After all, if it was not there, I would not have questioned it and thought nothing of it. But since it is, inquiring minds want to know why.

So I did some research on the American bison (note: although we call American bison “buffalos,” many believe it is a misnomer). This nerdy statement is what got me into trouble on MKD’s blog. Did you know that both male and female bison have horns? Therefore, the nickel did not have to depict a male bison with its dong calling attention to itself. The nickel could have just as well pictured the female bison and not lose any effect of the grand, massive nature of this creature. Yes…I know that the females are slightly smaller in size. But since it is a depiction of a bison and not the actual thing, the artist could have “scaled up” the animal and us viewers would have been none the wiser.

I know I could easily turn this into a feminist piece and rant about how we live in a male society, and how the fascination with the penis and what it represents underlies our culture. After all, according to “Team America: World Police” and the three types of people, the dicks prevail, right? They fuck the pussies and assholes and reign supreme. Plus, let us not forget the infamous “The Little Mermaid” cover…

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Warning: Dork Entry

For as long as I can remember, I have been fascinated with words. Not necessarily in the vocabulary sense, but more in the aesthetic sense (e.g., as someone once poignantly noted, “the pleasing symmetry of adobe”). I like to study how words look, rearrange them, and flip them around. Wherever I go, I find words and mentally work with them. It relaxes me and keeps my mind busy. I also read things backwards and compose a mental list of words that are meaningful in the reverse. Although I don’t ever think I will top finding a palindrome such as, “Rats live on no evil star,” or any other neat ones that have been discovered, the quest pursues.

All this explains why I enjoy games like Boggle since it involves finding words in a mess of letters (note: I rule undefeated). I recently applied this concept to the QWERTY keyboard to see what kind of words could be generated using the rules of Boggle. Sweeping through the letters, I found the following:

I am sure there are more to be found, in which I will continue to work on it as I have my calculator words.

Just passing the time [at work].

Friday, August 12, 2005

The disconcerted Apple

My new deodorant smells really good and I must look like Otto from “A Fish Called Wanda,” when I smell my pits randomly. The pleasing fragrant smell perplexed me because it was so familiar…

Then it hit me. My mom has a perfume that smells EXACTLY like my new deodorant. Strange, on so many levels. I am sure Freud and other Neo-Freudians would have a field day. But it could be an innocent coincidence that didn’t involve any level of consciousness, really.

Why did St. Ives have to stop making my favorite deodorant many, many years ago? Sigh. I should have stocked up had I known they were discontinuing it. In a fit of desperation, I recently wrote to the customer service department inquiring about the product. I got an email back saying that they yanked it due to low demand and no longer have it in any of their warehouses, but that they would relay my request to their products department for future lines. Double sigh.

After the disappointing interaction, I realized that I was one of those people that actually wrote to a company that employees later make fun of (if you don’t believe me, find someone who works in CS and ask them about the emails/calls they receive and laugh at). Thankfully, I have never called the 1-800 numbers on the back of candy bars and other junk foods because I am “not completely satisfied with this product.” If I ever do that, then I will admit that I am quite a lame and pathetic individual. Until then, I am just someone who is trying not to smell like their mom.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Complaint Department

My iced tea is highly watered down, so it tastes more like sweat. I suspect the other 11 cans will have this same consistency. Yum.

Code highlighted green in Mplus does not mean “go” or anything positive. It means, “Caution due to fatal error detected: This syntax will cause your system to crash resulting in loss of data if run.” Great.

My office is usually hot as balls, but today the air conditioner seems to be on artic blast. It is so great that I am wearing a thin, short-sleeved shirt. Fun.

Structural equation modeling (SEM) has given me a headache since yesterday. Awesome.

In short, Yum. Great. Fun. Awesome.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

The versatility of suction cups

I had gotten a Nerf SuperMAXX 1500 gun

for my 21st birthday from Dancinglights since I liked to play with hers so much at the dorms. But after college, I did not use my gun very much and it resided in my closet for the longest time.

Until recently...

I resurrected the device and rediscovered how much fun you can have with foam projectiles with suction cups. There's nothing like hitting a bare ass from across the room with a satisfying FFFFFPOPP! It makes me laugh even after the dart falls to the ground after sticking for 3.7 seconds.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

My Very Educated Mother Just Showed Us Nine Planets

Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, and Pluto…yes, those are the nine planets in our solar system in order from the closest to the farthest from our only star, the sun. But this friendly mnemonic device is now obsolete with the discovery of a 10th planet! Currently this mass has been dubbed, 2003UB313, and has yet to be formally named.

I know this is somewhat old news, but I find it a lot more fascinating and interesting than a lot of the other news out there (especially anything dealing with Hollywood). But sadly, stuff like this gets little coverage since it makes us feel so infinitesimal and insignificant.
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